Overcoming People-Pleasing: 3 Steps to Start Creating Boundaries

When striving for success, it’s natural to want to make others happy. For those of us in healthcare and other high-pressure fields, we’ve spent years working hard—getting good grades, earning awards, and pushing ourselves to the top. Along the way, we’ve learned that pleasing others is often equated with success. But once we reach a certain level, this habit can start working against us.

We’ve also been taught to “pay our dues” and accept that our path won’t always be easy. As a result, we sometimes struggle to distinguish between saying “yes” for genuine growth and saying “yes” out of conditioned habit. I fell into this trap myself. I was once given the advice to “always say yes.” And while there is some truth to the idea that opportunities can come from saying yes, it doesn’t mean an endless yes. It doesn’t mean saying yes when you don’t have the capacity, when it doesn’t serve your purpose, or when you have no opportunity to recover.

A boundary isn’t always about saying no. It is also about saying yes—to your purpose, your priorities, and what truly aligns with your values. Boundaries help create space for what matters most, rather than just blocking out what doesn’t serve you.

The Struggle of Saying "Yes" When You Really Want to Say "No"

Concrete Boundary

How People-Pleasing Leads to Burnout, Resentment, and Loss of Self

Constantly saying yes without first determining if it’s the right choice for you can lead to frustration, resentment, and a sense of losing yourself. You may find it difficult to recognize whether you are doing things for yourself or simply to meet others’ expectations. Over time, this can erode your sense of purpose and push you toward burnout.

The Importance of Setting Boundaries for Personal and Professional Well-Being

Boundaries aren’t just about saying no; they are about creating space for the things you prioritize. Without clear boundaries, it’s easy to overextend yourself, leading to exhaustion and discontent. That’s why I’m sharing a three-step technique to help you shift from people-pleasing to setting and enforcing boundaries—so you can prevent or combat burnout.

These steps aren’t necessarily easy, but they are powerful. They will help you move away from automatic yeses and toward intentional decision-making.

Step 1: Identify Your People-Pleasing Patterns

Each of us has different reasons for falling into the people-pleasing trap. The first step is recognizing your personal triggers. Ask yourself:

• Do I say yes because I’m afraid of disappointing someone (a boss, a loved one, a patient)?

• Do I avoid conflict at all costs and fear saying no will lead to confrontation?

• Do I seek validation and feel like I need to prove my worth by taking on more?

In addition to identifying why you say yes, start noticing when it happens. Common signs of people-pleasing include:

• Feeling guilty when setting boundaries

• Anxiety when about to say no

• Overcommitting and regretting it later

I personally struggled with this from a young age. As a child, I would feel a pit in my stomach whenever I thought I might upset someone. This carried into adulthood, making it difficult for me to say no—even when I was overwhelmed.

Although people-pleasing has helped many of us advance in our careers, there comes a tipping point. For me, that realization hit when I wasn’t sleeping because I was so consumed with making others happy. The lack of rest made me irritable, less effective at work, and unable to enjoy my interactions with others. I knew something had to change.

Step 2: Reframe Your Mindset Around Boundaries

One of the hardest aspects of setting boundaries is the guilt that comes with saying no. But shifting your mindset can help you see that boundaries are not selfish or unkind.

Saying no doesn’t mean you don’t care—it means you are prioritizing your well-being and values. Holding firm to your boundaries allows you to be more present and engaged in the commitments that truly matter. It also ensures that when you do say yes, you have the capacity to follow through effectively.

Here are some key mindset shifts to help you embrace boundaries:

• “I am not responsible for managing others’ feelings.”

• “My worth is not tied to how much I do for others.”

• “Saying no creates space for the things that truly matter.”

Step 3: Practice Confident & Compassionate 'No' Responses

The final step is to develop a strategy for saying no with confidence and compassion. Having a prepared response can prevent you from freezing in the moment. Here are a few simple scripts you can use:

• “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I can’t commit to that right now.”

• “I don’t have the bandwidth for this, but I hope you find the support you need.”

• “That doesn’t align with my priorities at the moment.”

Beyond knowing what to say, it’s important to prepare for how you will handle the emotions that come with setting boundaries. You might initially feel guilty, but you can learn to navigate that discomfort without caving in.

Start with small wins—practice setting boundaries in low-stakes situations before tackling bigger ones. This will build your confidence and reinforce that saying no doesn’t make you a bad person.

The Freedom of Saying No

At first, shifting away from people-pleasing may feel overwhelming—but the effort is well worth it. Overcoming these tendencies and learning to set boundaries will free up your energy, increase your confidence, and bring greater fulfillment.

Setting boundaries allows you to focus on activities that align with your purpose and priorities. It may not be realistic to go from having no boundaries to being an expert overnight, so start small and build up over time.

If you’re ready to start setting boundaries but aren’t sure where to begin, download my free Purpose and Priorities Workbook here!